Instead of focusing on how overeating is destroying me, I’m trying undereating.intoxicates.me.

Would serving others help me conquer my own gluttony?

If I’m counseling teenagers, of what consequence is it to them or my work if I overeat at lunch? Not much.

Somehow, my service needs to be tied to an obvious consequence. Kind of like I was a doctor performing surgery, and if I overate I would lose concentration and control on the operating table.

All of these recent posts point to a Direction, which is that without a Mighty Purpose, without a Peer Group, and without Consequences, it’s going to be difficult to really, really conquer the overeating Habit.

Mighty Purpose. Peer Group. Consequences.

It’s funny how we are taught to walk, talk, read, write, etc., but no one teaches us how to breathe or how to eat. How many children are taught pranayama? How many children have a parent or teacher sit with them during a meal, and teach them to breathe slowly, chew thoroughly, and become aware of how much and how quickly the food is entering the stomach? How many parents ever explained to their children that it takes a while for the stomach to signal the brain that it is full? Or that fat, salt and sugar act in conspiracy as emotional triggers?

Well, up until now, honestly, all this overeating just wasn’t my fault. I could claim ignorance. Most people in my family also overate. When I was young I must have picked up a very bad habit. I’m intrigued (and sometimes despondent) as to why it’s been so difficult to break this vicious old habit.

It may be that it’s simply an old habit, but that to break it I need an identity shift. Which means I need to make a decision, maintain new habits, and take responsibility.

Maybe overeating is driven by fear… a fear of death and a fear of a wasted life.

The word that just came to mind is Decision. I have to make a Decision to make peace with my past and my mortality. Then I have to develop a series of Habits to support this decision. Then I have to accept Responsibility if I don’t take action to solidify the new Habits.

Decision. Habits. Responsibility. These three words are the foundation of a new identity.

Perhaps it would be constructive to reverse engineer the word Responsibility. If I continue to overeat, whose fault is that? If I don’t make a final career-path Decision, whose fault is that? If I continue to resist Death, whose fault is that?

Somehow, the word Decision isn’t helping me yet. Decision sounds like will power. “I won’t overeat.”  Well duh, at every meal I sit down with that noble intention. I’m having trouble matching the decision to a passion and a purpose.

Maybe that’s it. If I had a mighty purpose that required me to perform at my best in a community of peers, then that higher level commitment could keep me in check because the consequences would be more obvious and dire. The Beetles tried alcohol and pot before recording sessions, but found that the quality of their music suffered. Because their music was a mighty purpose for them, they avoided these substances around recording time.

The same principle applies to overeating. If I am a recording artist and my dream is to make the most beautiful music possible, then either I’ll stop overeating (because it’s a detriment to my music) or I’ll sabotage my dream. The purpose would force the bad habit to the surface and create a showdown between the habit and the dream.

Whenever I pursued my dreams in my past, when I was passionate and engaged and really reaching for the stars, I was regularly overeating. Now this might reveal a lot. Because never once did I really achieve my dreams with anything I ever did. I never got the fame and fortune I wanted. And my monuments are more like molehills… however curious or mind boggling.

So now it’s all becoming clear. Overeating is an impulse, a blind one. The pursuit of fame and fortune is most often an impulse, a blind one. Gluttony, greed and ego are all interrelated.

At a deeper level, it’s about changing your frame of mind and your priorities. About learning to breathe, slow down, and  joyously behold the miracle of life. Food is a miracle. Eating is not just a means to an end. It’s a miracle.

So the Big Question is: how do I find a purpose which, like the Beetles, will propel me to the other side? Right now, if I overeat, there are no consequences, other than discomfort and somewhere down the road, disease. But can I put myself in a situation, create a life for myself, that prohibits overeating?

No answers yet, but at least we got to the root of the Question.

But for now, whenever I eat a meal, I can imagine that an hour from now, I’ll be in a recording studio. And that if I overeat, I won’t perform well and my dreams will get flushed down the toilette. I like this. From now on, with every meal, I will literally see myself in the studio, meditate on it. I’m not a singer, but I have an inclination that metaphorically speaking the real studio of my dreams will emerge from all of this.

Too much is becoming clear… not the specific life purpose, but the preconditions for understanding, assessing and embracing that purpose. It’s as if I’m on notice, embarking on a treasure hunt.

Even after a week of faithful pranayama and fasting, I overate last night.

I’m doing more constructive exercises with breathing and visualization. I close my eyes while eating, chew much more slowly, and engage my mind more with each bite. I started out last night’s meal in an excellent frame of mind, and with new habits. But I had been fasting and that the food was delicious. I lost my mindful, eyes-closed, slow eating method about 2/3 into the meal, and ate the remaining 1/3 more quickly, eyes opened.

It’s as if the sabotaging ego or some other impulse within me activated during that final 1/3. It’s as if I wanted to rush the food into my stomach before my stomach had a chance to sound the alarm. It would be interesting to do it again, but right in the middle of that final binge, abruptly stop, move to the meditation chair, close my eyes, and try to figure out where precisely in my anatomy and mind the unhealthy impulse is located.

Somehow, at this point, it must be that the only thing that will work is a successful identity shift. Not yet sure who I am, not yet sure where I am going… perhaps this leaves me vulnerable to fleeting impulses.

But at a deeper level, the overeating explains for me why I am where I am. I do not have self-mastery. I am still living by impulse rather than by discipline. So what do I expect of my life, finances, community? I remain firm in the conviction that if I can just gain control of myself, that identity shift will come. And then, my outer circumstances, including the fruits of the spirit, will reflect this movement to “the other side.”

So how exactly to I precipitate and solidify this identity shift? Somehow I must conclude that whatever I have been doing hasn’t been working, and that I can’t rely on the same methods to rocketship me to a new identity. If the fruits are not agreeable, there must be something I’m still doing wrong, even if only in a minor way.

What am I doing? What am I not doing? What else can I do?

It seems to me that whether I’m rich or poor, live here or there, in this community or that, I still want self-mastery. It’s one of my universal goals. It’s the foundation of health, vitality and wisdom. So I can’t allow current work identity struggles to be an excuse.

Here I am, a grown man, middle age, woke up this morning, ten minutes ago, in pain. Holding my stomach, hardly able to stand up straight. Overate last night. For the zillionth time.

The cramps are awful. If this is all caused by a lack of self-esteem, then the strangest thing about the human mind is that it will not tell you so. Your subconscious mind doesn’t send you a message back along with the pain, “Hey friend, just want to let you know, the reason you keep overeating is low self-esteem. Have a nice day.” The truth seems more merky.

The other possible explanations are gluttony or bad habits from childhood. Or just plain old emotional eating, trying to satisfy emotional needs with food. Or just eating too fast and not getting the signals from the stomach to stop.

Last night some wonderful new friends gave me an illumination about meditation and eating. It’s about self-love, taking the time to spend with yourself and appreciate yourself. And I resolve here and now, having finally started this blog, that last night was the last time. It’s change or die for me. Or stop whining if I’m not willing to change, because at some point the change has to be understood as a choice, no matter how damn difficult.

I do see now: when I eat alone, I eat fast, because I don’t want to be alone, spend time with myself. I’m eager to “get back to work” because I’m worried I’m “not making the most of my life.” Eating is a chore and a “time waster” rather than a gift from God. Well, all that has got to change now.

For all my past transgressions, I hereby forgive myself. I let them go. They are no longer a part of me. Many people in my family were lifelong overeaters, and now it puzzles me why they never attempted to change. I’m not even sure they were aware of their overeating as symptomatic of something else. But I let all that go too, now.

This time must be different and it must involve not only a fresh resolve but an identity shift. As I’m writing this I’m hunched over the computer because of the stomach cramps. A man just can’t live like this any longer without ultimately destroying himself.

So this morning there is new hope in the pain. I am a new soul, a new creature in the Cosmic Christ. “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” In 45 years I alone have been thoroughly unable to master myself. Now I must let go and put my trust, finally, in God’s hands, let God in, and know that God will do a much better job than I.

I can’t preach this as truth, because I’m not yet embodying it: self mastery is letting go and letting God in. It can’t be will power alone. Will power will only get you so far.

Lord, I don’t know what else I can do, other than pour out my heart, acknowledge that overeating.destroys.me, and pray for redemption.